Narcissism refers to a mental disorder which involves excessive admiration and love with one's self. It is also characterized by a need for admiration and attention from others as well as an exaggerated sense of self-importance.
How can you recognize a narcissist?
(Note: Narcissistic Personality Disorder is something that can only be identified by a mental health professional who has examined the person in question. Other than that, "narcissist" is a word meaning "loves oneself excessively" and is susceptible to varying interpretations.) 1: A Narcissist is someone who takes their self-esteem from the way others view them. Their personality will therefore center around how he or she is viewed. Narcissism looks like this... Your partner treats you and perhaps your children very different in private than in public. In public he may ignore you giving all of his attention to others, or pretend to be the perfect husband or father, while in private he may be sarcastic, haughty and insulting. He may put people down behind their back. He may have a very inflated sense of entitlement and ego, thinking he deserves things that he hasn't worked for or earned and he may manipulate situations for attention, acting a bit too good to be true. This can fool people and so few of them will believe how he talks to his family in private (I say 'he', because I write from our experience, but there are plenty of abusive women with narcissism). He may also show little or no regard for your well being or your feelings. 2: Unfortunately that's not all... He may lie about you or paint a bad picture of you to gain sympathy from others and to justify his own bad behaviour. You probably have no idea of all of the lies he is telling you and the bad things he may be saying about you to others ... If he makes fights when you try and talk about money he may be hiding credit cards or money transactions from you and his narcissism will cause him to pretend these fights are your fault. Many narcissists are obsessed by the fantasy of an ideal relationship that is 'perfect' (and therefore fantasy!) and are skilled liars. So if the above symptoms of narcissism describe your partner, you should also be aware that he may habitually have secret crushes on other women, be having affairs, using pornography habitually, and/or conducting 'cyber' affairs (while lying that he is single) all without you having any knowledge of this. If you notice that your partners mind is often somewhere else, and they show narcissistic tendencies, this could be the reason. This obsession with his own inner fantasy life is part of what makes him unavailable, impatient and cross with you. It is a major symptom of the disorder. Not all people with narcissism are physically abusive, but it is also a significant indicator that you will wind up being part of a domestic violent marriage. The physical abuse is not always perpetrated by the narcissist either. It is normal to become very angry with someone who manipulates you and puts you down. It is normal after years of this treatment, (especially if you discover that they have been lying to and cheating on you) to even want to kill them or wish them dead, so getting the right help and support is very important, and can be very hard to find. There are very few people who understand narcissism or believe there is any cure, and those who say to 'leave and have no contact' are giving you very dangerous advice. If you want to leave, please get advice first on how to do it safely. Trying to diagnose someone with a disorder is not a really a good idea when there are many who will then say that you must divorce them and have no contact and that there is no cure. If your partner displays this behaviour it is not important to figure out the correct diagnosis, what you need to do is take steps to protect yourself and save your marriage before it is too late. My husband was diagnosed NPD and yet still he got better and we have a great marriage now. We help partners of narcissists save their marriages too. 3: WRONG. The correct answer is - you can not recognize a narcissist. At least not a smart, experienced narcissist. It is a matter of survival for them to not let anyone know there true nature. (See note at top of page)
Asked in Narcissism
How do you deal with a narcissist?
Here is some advice: * Being married to one, I find that the only way to deal with him is to make everything about him. If I want something for example, instead of saying "Honey I would really like this. May I get it?" I would approach him like this, "I think getting this would benefit you in ...." I would then pitch it to him as to what he would get out of it. I have gotten him to the point of my being able to buy any clothing or makeup I want because of how my appearance will reflect on him. This is only one example, but you just learn how to make your desires seem like they will benefit him. This is a hard way to live, but it is better than never getting what you want. If you choose to stay with him, this is the only way to get your needs, and especially your desires, met. * The best way to deal with a narcissist is to recognize your own narcissistic tendencies. When your own feeling of self-worth is dependant on what others think or feel about you, you are vulnerable to the narcissist's trap. He will make you feel so special for deserving his attention. Recognize your true value as an individual. Realize that no one can give you what you already have, your self! Get lots of support from friends and/or a good counsellor. Be strong and don't take any abuse. If the narcissist in your life is mean to you, be honest with yourself about that. Stop making excuses for him. It's better to be alone than to be trapped in someone else's delusions of grandeur. Yes, he will find some other weak person to feed his insatiable appetite for recognition, admiration and approval. Yes, it is painful to realize that that is all you ever were to him. But at least you can free yourself and your energies can go to self-healing and REAL relationships. Real relationships involve a balance of give and take. Real relationships are open to community. In real adult relationships, people are able to speak openly about all their feelings and give each other comfort. If the narcissist in your life is unable or unwilling to recognize that he has a real problem and needs help, get out! * My husband admits he's "a little narcissistic." He can be very controlling at times, and very concerned with appearances(especially physical). I've found two ways that usually work with dealing with his temper tantrums. I listen quietly while he gets on his soapbox, then later when he has cooled down, I will talk with him calmly about what I agree/disagree with. The second way is standing firm, particularly when it's something I feel very strongly about. He may get upset, but he always thinks about it. * Get as far away from them as you can. Hardcore narcissists are impossible to deal with. * I say try to go far, far away from a narcissist. They bring bring nothing but bad news and bad karma into whatever lives they touch. Be strong, stand tall, and run as fast as you can. * Try to have a safe haven, a place to avoid the abuse, and maintain control of your own person and your own life. Don't let the person drive you down with their unrealistic fantasies and how you need to adjust to make them happy. Make yourself happy and be happy with you, you don't owe someone a life or to make someone else happy. If there are no children involved, then get out of Dodge while you still can. * There is no dealing with a narcissist. I worked with one for two years and finally had to leave the department I worked in. * You cannot deal with them because they do not compromise. The best idea is to run the other direction. * If you're near them, you're the mirror if you give them the slightest attention to reflect back an image they have just created of themselves. Don't reflect back the image they have created. You can do this by ignoring them and not giving them attention.
Asked in Narcissism
If you get the silent treatment for many months from a narcissist woman does it mean that will be the last you will hear from her ever again?
oh, please don't fall for it,the way i did. and i tell you from experience, all the narcissist wants is ATTENTION, so he she wants you to beg for forgiveness, then he/she is gonna play hard to get, i don't consider it to be a healthy relationship to be giving all that attention a narcissist wants, because soon, whether you realize it or not he/she is only gonna want you for himself,oh and to actually answer your question, yes, i think that that was the last time you might have herd of him/her, because narcissist have a lot of pride and they are not gonna just let it go,but don't feel bad and get on with your life......luck:)
Asked in Narcissism
How do I get along with my sibling who has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
First, you should read up on the disorder. There are dozens of good websites sponsored by well known hospitals and other respected institutions that sponsor web pages devoted to narcissism and narcissistic personality disorder. Narcissistic behavior is predictable. If you have a good understanding of narcissism you will have the tools to deal with it more constructively. Here are a few pointers: Keep your distance- don't get too close and do not let them into your personal life. Do not share any personal information to the extent possible. Be practical about the disorder- you won't change them so step back whenever their narcissistic behavior rises to the surface. Avoid conflict generally, but Define some limits- in some cases by not responding to inappropriate behavior you reinforce it- for example: if you must have continued exposure to the narcissist do not allow him/her to "tell you off", raise their voice at you, or treat you with disrespect. Do not try to argue or reason with them- your winning or convincing is counter to their world view- they will not allow it. Gain more understanding to enable you to work as constructively as possible. Give practical support when and if they ask for it. Maintain your own social contacts so that you can minimize the time you have to spend with the narcissist. See related links. Please add personal experiences and discussions to the discussion page.
Asked in Narcissism
What are the traits of a narcissist?
Traits of a Narcissist Narcissistic traits include: being argumentative, arrogant conceited vain fretful frustrated/idle fluctuating between superior and inferior. They have an unusual obsession with appearances. In partners they go for a mirror image of themselves selecting similar facial characteristics, colorings, background, ethnicity, class. They like to appear better than their friends. Additional input from Contributors: I am not an expert on this, but I would like to contribute my observations from dating a Narcissist. I feel that the biggest clue is empathy, compassion, and remorse. They have none. There is nothing there. This fact is so startling, that you know right away that you are dealing with something (someone) who is 'not normal' and some may say even 'evil'. In the Narcissist's case it's more the banality of evil. Also, they seem to have no understanding of cause and effect thinking. They don't seem to understand that there will be reactions to their actions, and when you react negatively to something bad or insensitive that they have done, they seem bewildered. I have noticed that they seem to like to spend time (or have relationships) with those that they consider to be 'beneath them'. Those that need them in some way (vulnerable)yet the Narcissist seems repulsed and digusted with themselves for associating with these people. They seem to want to spend time with those who they feel are equal, but fear it, and can never seem to hold onto these people for very long. Also, it's in the small things. Do they have photographs on display of family or friends in their house? The narcissist that I dated didn't until I mentioned it. Does the phone ring very much? Do they have many close friends? Do they have absolutely no sense of humour and can't take any slight or joke at their expense? Do they seem impatient and disinterested in group situations, especially when the conversation isn't about them, or about something that they know about. Do they give lousy gifts- or any gifts at all? My Narcissist tried to give me a used splatter guard three months into the relationship. I refused to take it, but if I had, it would have been the only 'gift' he would have ever given me even though he was extremely well paid. He bought plenty of things for himself- from expensive wines, clothes, to a BMW. Memory is another thing that I noticed was off. My Narcissist could barely remember his childhood, and could also barely remember the women who he dated or slept with. Often, something would trigger a memory and he would divulge a strange recollection. For example, In the middle of dinner, he blurted out that he had years ago dated a Mexican woman who always smelled like coffee. Strange. And it would end there. On to the next topic. They also seem to reveal inappropriate things about themselves too early in the relationship. I have no idea if this is comes from a lack of cause and effect thinking, or if it just an attention getting device. Whatever it is, it's creepy so run away while the relationship is in its infancy. Regarding the answer above: The most difficult thing is trying to sort out what is happening with a person who is close to us. We never like to think the worst. However, lack of empathy, compassion or remorse is actually a quality of the Antisocial, not the Narcissist. The Narcissist is self-absorbed, but once you get into lack-of-remorse land, you're not in Kansas any more. All of us have narcissistic TRAITS. Some of us even develop a narcissistic PERSONALITY, or a narcissistic STYLE. Moreover, narcissism is a SPECTRUM of behaviours - from the healthy to the utterly pathological (known as the Narcissistic Personality Disorder, or NPD). The DSM IV uses this language: An all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts. So, what matters is that these characteristics, often found in healthy people, appear:Jointly and not separately or intermittently; They are all-pervasive (invade, penetrate, and mould every aspect, nook, and cranny of the personality); That grandiose fantasies are abundantly discernible; That grandiose (often ridiculous) behaviours are present; That there is an over-riding need for admiration and adulation ("narcissistic supply"); That the person lacks empathy (regards other people as two dimensional cartoon figures and abstractions, unable to "stand in their shoes"); That all these phenomena began, at the latest, in early adolescence; That the narcissistic behaviours pervade all the social and emotional interactions of the narcissist. Here are 9 criteria. Having 5 of these 9 "qualifies" you as a narcissist. (In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.) Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion; Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions); Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply); Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment; Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends; Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others; Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly; Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy. The language in the criteria above is based on or summarized from: American Psychiatric Association. (2000). Diagnostic and statistical manual of mental disorders, fourth edition (DSM IV-TR). Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association -Based on my book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications We ALL have N-traits. N-ism is a gradient from healthy to pathological. The suite of pathological N personality disorders: APD, BPD, NPD, HPD comprises 5% of the population. This means a significantly higher number (15%? 20%?) must be strongly disposed but not pathological. Depressing, huh! These people are also best left out of your life. Nina Browne in her excellent, highly recommended work "Destructive Narcissistic Personality" struggles to differentiate strong from pathological and in my opinion doesn't achieve it. My visual image is that the pathological have fallen off the cliff whereas strong types are teetering on the brink and can be pulled back from the edge with lots of hard work, whereas the pathological can never be rescued. Basically it comes down to how the other person in the relationship is treating you overall no matter what kind of an N. If you find yourself walking on eggshells get out. Do NOT let ANYONE devalue and invalidate you! The professionals can't even answer this and that is why saying that there is no cure or treatment options is so dangerous. If someone gets better then they say "But they obviously only had traits!" The issue is that if you are being abused you need help and advice not to try and diagnose or treat your partner yourself, I have worked with 7 experts on emotional and domestic abuse to come up with the right answers and you should know that most of the information on-line is dangerous, unqualified and quiet simply wrong! search for narcissism cured and find out about getting the help that you really need.
What is the difference between a narcissist and a sociopath?
Narcissism, in modern psychology refers to an abnormal affection of one's own image or one's own personality. Narcissism is characterized by an exaggerated sense of self-importance and superiority. A sociopath suffers from an antisocial personality disorder which is defined by the APA (American Psychological Association) as ''a pervasive pattern of disregard for, and violation of, the rights of others that begins in childhood or early adolescence and continues into adulthood''. However, the term ''sociopath'' is highly controversial since the word literally means ''destroying society'' or ''destroyed by the society'' and thus it's an derogatory term not used anymore. All in all, both terms are used in psychology to refer to certain personalities, albeit it denotes different types of psychological phenomenons, or issues if you will.
Asked in Parenting and Children, Narcissism
Can children of narcissistic parents ever recover?
Narcissism is the personality trait of selfishness taken to an extreme level, and like any personality trait, it can be slowly changed through great effort or at least blunted with behavior modification techniques. While it is possible for children of a narcissist to suffer some emotional issues due to their parent being much more involved with themselves than with their child, many children of narcissists find that emotional support from another parent, a grandparent, or through friendships. Psychiatric professionals constantly marvel at the durability and adaptability of children. However, not all children are that adaptable and if you are someone who suffers emotional issues because one of your parents is a narcissist, then you absolutely can be helped. However, please don't believe that having parents who are narcissistic will automatically cause you to have issues. This may be a root cause of some of your problems, but people are complex, and if you are happy and well adjusted, then there is no reason to fix something that isn't broken. However, often children of parents with a socially debilitating personality trait like this one will find that they are emotionally needy and/or that they share the very trait that caused them pain during their childhood. Personality traits are slow to change, and doing so most often requires therapy and commitment. Narcissism is extremely pervasive and most narcissists will not recognize it in themselves. They may seek treatment because they believe their parents have "messed them up" or they can see the negative results of their personality trait (poor relationships, immoral acts that cause guilt, etc.), but do not understand how their decisions are creating these situations. Plus, you'll work on becoming more adaptable as "emotional agility" (Not allowing the behavior of others to impact you) is absolutely key to being mentally strong. Ultimately, this is what is important. While personalities are extremely difficult to change, learning to blunt them so that people do not make negatively impacting decisions is not nearly as difficult.
Asked in Health, Mental Health, Narcissism, Psychology
Are all Narcissists pathological liars?
Pathological lying is one of the hallmark characteristics of a narcissist. They lie out of their need to manipulate and control. They must lie in order to create their false "reality" about themselves that they project out to the world. They lie to bolster their grandiosity and inflate their accomplishments. Lying is the most common complaint of people who have a narcissist in their life. Following are some comments from contributors: Opinion Lying compulsively is not a disease or even an abnormality, which are the definitions of pathological in the dictionary. Lying is a habit of behaviour. If this habit has been advantageous in the past it will be repeated. After being repeated many times it will become the standard and default response. This is why it is attractive and charming people become narcissistic. Other people are usually less successful with lies as children and so never form the habit. Habits can be changed, lying is not addictive such as smoking and so to say that this behaviour can't change is the wrong conclusion. That said it will usually take some real understanding to bring a person with NPD to a place of trust in their family to be able to drop the lies and see that other behaviour is more rewarding. Accountability is the key, but failure to meet obligations should been dealt with justly. Threatening to abandon and isolate a person because they have simply never been taught how to meet these standards is unjust. A child who has never been taught with patience to tell the truth will remain a liar until someone who the narcissist looks up to and respects takes on this duty. Kim Cooper author of "Back from the Looking Glass" Living with the personality disorder that causes abuse Opinion Yes. They promise you the world then once they see your hopes up they tear the rug out from under. And if that isnt bad enough then they proceed to deny what they did and/or said and make you feel like the crazy one. The narcissist invents and then projects to others a FALSE Self. So, his entire existence is founded on an all-pervasive lie. The narcissist does his damnedest to avoid intimacy. He constantly lies about every aspect of his life: his self, his history, his vocations and avocations, and his emotions. This false data guarantee his informative lead, or "advantage" in a relationship. It yields an active state of disintimisation. It casts a pall of cover up, separateness, asymmetry and mystery over the narcissist's relationships. The narcissist lies even in therapy. He obscures the truth by using "psycho-babble", or a professional lingo. It makes him feel that he "belongs", that he is a "Renaissance man". By demonstrating his control of several professional jargons he almost proves (to himself) that he is superhuman. In therapy, this has the effect of "objectifying" and emotionally detachment. Opinion Certainly. I have been in a relationship with a narcissist for 3 years. My poor soul will lie when proof is in front of his face. Opinion I think the N's perception of a lie is different from ours. A lie is not "bad" to a narcissist because it gets him what he wants. Opinion I have just ended a 5 year relationship with a narcissist and I can say this one was pathological. It is the most incredible phenomenon! For the first few years, I thought I was crazy or there was something wrong with my memory. He would re-write the very same event that we both experienced. It is my belief that he actually believed his lies, because that was the only way he could cope with life. He seemed genuinely convinced that his lies were the truth. It is mind boggling! I have changed all phone numbers and e-mail in an attempt to stay away from this man. I am in the process of moving. My advice to anyone involved with a narcissist, is to get out as fast as you can! It has been my experience that you cannot believe what this person tells you, even if they are crying and swearing to God. It is a very sad thing to watch ... but protect yourself! Opinion All the N's I have met are liars and masters at the art of deception. Just remember they always round numbers up or down to make themselves look good, or to make others look bad. They are the people at work, who say, "so-n-so is always late." Note the word "always". They don't keep accurate records and condem people without facts and evidence. Most people will make double sure before hurting someone's reputation or livelihood. Not narcissist. Usually, in Narcisstic language, "always" means "once." They actually think they can brainwash people. If they say the same thing over and over, they think you will eventually adopt it as truth. They rewrite history this way. Opinion My ex was so bad that he would look me in the eyes and tell me he loves me, and the next day I was gone. He did anything and everything to get what he wanted. Lying to me, about me, and he would come up with the most outrageous lies about me and people would believe these lies, why I don't know. He would be so incredibly arrogant while lying as well, as if he was the only one smart enough in his world to know he was lying and if he was caught in one he'd never admit it. I've noticed they live in a fantasy world of their own making and every lie that they tell only adds to it, and to them it's ok. Opinion I am in the unfortunate situation of being in love with as well as married to a narcissist. We have been married for less than a year and it has been a fairly incredible constant roller coaster of emtions, anger and confusion. I have battled with leaving but know that I do love this person and continue to pray that they will get the true help that they, themselves, have agreed to get. Others who see from a distance what is taking place are warning me to get out while I can and to heed safety measures when dealing with someone of this caliber. I am so confused because as any of you reading this will know... THEY ARE VERY convincing when they want to be. They tell you they love you and will do anything to keep you but then the very next day they are right back with their sick lies and unstable behavior. How can you ever trust or believe in this person? Opinion How can anyone who has a false front not lie? Will they lie to themselves and believe it? Yes, they are pathological liars. Thank you for this website. I was nearly destroyed by all the lies and the confusion. Lies add power to the narcissist...keeping you in the dark...to confused to run. Opinion Yes, blackmailing, back-stabbing, manipulating, deceiving and lying seem to be the core personlaity traits that I've noticed in my experience w/ a NPD individual. All become intertwined- for example they will cover up a lie w/ a maniupulation or manipulate to cover up a lie. To say they have the ethics of a roach would be a tremendous insult to all roaches. Opinion I have just come to terms with my daughter. She is now a complete Pathological Liar or has Antisocial Personality Disorder or is Narcissist. I can realize this and have to come to terms with it. I know all three titles are probably stages of the same. I think it is genetic and complusive and addictive. Opinion They are spin doctors. They live only in the present. Everything is about their image, and maintaining their image EACH MINUTE. They will make stuff up on the spot. The next day, they say the complete opposite. If everyone in the room is saying, "we like president Bush" the narcissist will take inventory and go with the majority of people. (the majority are the "winners" and they must side with the numbers/winners). The very next day, they could be in a room where most people like Hillary Clinton. Again, the narcissist will go with the status quo. It's hard to figure out where they really stand, and they don't seem to know. Their ethics are like this too. One day they have high morals, the next day they are rationalizing and going against one of their proclaimed rules. They picks what sounds best to suit their needs for the moment. Words, sentences, are just ornaments or jewelry, and they always pick out a different word-robe for the day. They also lie over the smallest detail that wasn't matter. They act like they got caught with their hand in the cookie jar, make up lies, when all you did was ask them a question. They always act like they are on trial and are always in self defense mode (this makes them sound paranoid). If you ask, "I need a pen. Have you seen the pen?" A narcissist would reply "I didn't take it." It makes communicating with them somewhat of a strain. They seem to miss the point and always on the look out for personal attacks, then already lie to cover their arse when they don't even need to. Opinion My narcissist smirks when he lies. He knows he's been detected but he thinks he's real cute. This cuteness is to sugarcoat the lie. Mine is really quite serious so when I see that grin I know I've just heard a whopper. Opinion I was married to a narcissist for 23 years and will tell you that she lied constantly. In the beginning i thought she just like to embellish and excused it, but it never changed. As she got older, it got worse because she needed to lie to protect her image. We had met in college but she refused to admit that to anyone because she thought they could infer how old she was (like they even cared). She even lied to our children about how old she was and how we met. They saw right threw it, but if they challenged her, she went into a rage unlike any i have ever seen. I have been separated from her for 4 years, but because we have shared custody of the children, the damaging lies continue. By their nature, the narcissist's are unable to clearly look into themselves and therefore will never be able to heal. For the woman who is in love with one, my advice would be to get out while you can. I loved my wife for 23 years but it made no difference. I am very thankful that i am away from her daily torture and am glad that my children are only subjected to her manipulations half of the time. Opinion Yes narcissists are pathological liars. They will lie about everything, and do anything to keep their lies alive. I know a narcissist. She was and still is to this day my best friend. She has run away from everything that she believes is unpleasant in her current life and emerges somewhere else with a new life full of lies and half truths. She has many children most of which she has put up for adoption all over the west coast, with some kind of sob story about why she is doing what she is doing. She has two children who live with her parents on the east coast that she just up and left behind one day when she decided that she didn't want to be a 24 year old mother of two, but a 19 year old college student. She has a lot of self-hate, and in order to romantize herself and her background she makes up stories. She goes online and lies to meet men, despite the fact that she told me that she was married a few months ago. I don't know if she is telling me the truth or telling me things that she thinks I will envy or find fascinating. Eventhough she is intelligent and creative, she is so caught up in her fantasy world that I am afraid that one day she will snap and will no longer be able to tell the difference between the real world and the fantasy one that she has created Opinion I lied to my soon to be ex-wife, nothing near as bad as some of the things, some of you went through. But I did lie. I lied because i thought my wife was so much better than me, and i just wanted her to think I was good enought. I just couldn't beleive that someone would like me for me. And now I've lost her,and this I except. I understand (I think) how she feels, and I agree, that I made a massive unforgivable mistake. I guess what I want to say is don't blame yourself if you are a victim of someone liying to you. You may feel like it but you are NOT a physcho magnet. And you do deserve better. I lost the greatest thing in my life, my other half. Because I hate myself. I'm getting better, I hope. At least I have relized my mistakes, and I know I have a long road ahead of me before I can hope to called healthy. And it will be a long time before I will be able to trust myself to be in another realtionship. I can't do this to another person, I've hurt a truly beautiful soul, and I wish I could fix the damage i did to my wife, I wish I could just erase the memory of me from her mind.... But I can't this is her cross to carry, and I placed it on her shoulder. Opinion Do I Lie? In short yes. Nothing new after reading this webpage. Manipulating people..Yes...Crying out for attention...Yes...Making everything more melodramatic than it is..yes... Are people confused by my stories? Yes Do I like what I do? No Am i trying to do anything to stop it? Constantly Do people like me have low self esteem ? Yes Do I always premeditate the lie ? No Is it something that I can control ? No as it happens , with a life of its own.. it just springs from some inner reach until you cant stop. If someone is reading this they are sceptical of it...but that is how it seems to me What am i doint to stop it ? Seeing a therapist. IS it helping ? I dont know.... ( this bit is honest...) What is the biggest whopper that I have told.? I have been diagnosed by cancer and am undergoing treatment and its cured and how brave I was.... Is there a common pattern? Yes like everyone else on this website...always done to make myself look good ......better...than everyone..get the attention to me....manipulate things to suit me.... I could keep going more and more.... All I see is how bad I am ...I already know that...I need help. Is this thing that makes me do this curable....should I stop trying....and at least be happy for sometime...with the lies....I need to know that there is someone who used to do this and has been able to get out of donig this.. I wish I had something physical wrong with me as tha could be fixed.....but this ...all i see is people like me hurting others and everyone saying get out of a reltionship with a Liar...But is there a place that will help me become a decent person...or maybe I should just give up now. Opinion They are extremely talented in lying, however I should not say talented. This is not something to be proud of, what has happened is they have learned from early on that they can keep getting away with it and has made them feel "talented" in yet another aspect of their life (i.e. besides being beautiful, smart, etc.). Their lies are so convincing that you will never figure it out until you are at this stage of your research on narcissism - reading forums. Always remember one thing: IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, you just happened to be a victim of a very uncommon and unforunately - in my opinion - a well researched disorder that needs to be far more publicized to the general public. Opinion Unfortunately for the N him/herself and others, yes, they are liars. To others and also to themselves. Even as a teenager I felt that my father was somehow 'living a lie', had such an inpenetrable facade to the outside world, a facade to protect himself from further emotional pain. I am 50 yrs old, in 2006, and when my mother died when I was 16 years old asked my father how she died. He replied that he didn't know. He has never ever mentioned her again. Not once - as if she'd never existed! A few years ago I asked him why he told me that he didn't know how/why my mother had died. He replied that he thought that "it was not important to you". He became so outraged and affronted when I tried to challenge him about this and while wildly flailing his arms with a deep red face and booming voice shouted "I never lie!" He feins ignorance about certain events, denies saying (critical/belittling) things to me or invents responses on the spot which are plainly false and expects me to believe him. However, he would never admit such things. Opinion My experience is that they lie without thought, morning noon and night. They lie for no reason and lie really really fast when under the gun, busted and about to be unveiled. Still.... they don't put much thought into the lies. When you start asking questions about the hasty cover lies.... they begin backpeddling and saying they never said that. You may even question whether you heard it or not. They formulate better lies then....and may recruit co workers or friends to swear for them. They may also spice them up with accusations that you are disrespectful and unappreciative. They've been feeding all their friends and family versions of you and themselves so don't be too shocked when people you go to for help, tell you that you and some made up idiot habit of yours is the "real problem." Continue to expect it when, in the face of facts.... they begin telling you how sorry N feels and you should consider giving the relationship another chance, at least for the children's sake.
Do narcissists play games with your feelings?
This depends on which definition of "narcissist" you were referring to. ------------------------ Extreme narcissism is called Narcissistic Personality Disorder, and, yes... they exaggerate, need attention, and have a hard time understanding or caring about anyone else. It is part of the disorder. [There are many stories about people in narcissistic relationships in the discussion area. If you have another story, feel free to add it there, but not in the answer area. Thanks.]
Asked in Narcissism
What is the treatment for narcissists?
Answer Before believing that there is no hope for treatment (as you easily could by reading a lot of misinformation on-line about narcissism) please consider these points; a. Are you sure of the diagnosis? Even professionals have trouble distinguishing between NPD and narcissistic tendencies and the prognosis for each is different. b. Just because standard therapy is not usually sought by sufferers does not mean that there are not other important steps that you can and should take if you have a family member with these symptoms. Partners learning better responses to narcissistic behaviour is a completely valid therapeutic option - endorsed by the majority of professionals working in this area. c. Even if you are not able to tame the tiger you will need to learn good self protection skills and boundary setting. Simply abandoning/rejecting a family member and refusing all contact on the basis of this diagnosis is only going to escalate the potential for harm in most cases. Answer NONE!~ More appropriate is how to treat an N. Number one recommendation: Get them out of your life! Keep away! Answer The question should be is what is the treatment for the victim/survivor of a narcissistic relationship. N's never change, they are hopeless. It does not matter if they attend counselling, self help etc, they enjoy too many rewards of making life miserable for those around them. I would say they lack human qualities and therefore should be avoided at all costs. The best thing to do is ignore them. Do not give them any attention. if you run into them in public say hello, but keep it at hello, do not engage in any conversation. These types are forever inventing and testing new methods to manipulate and control those around them. They lack all sincerity and are vampires. Stay away from them. Answer There is no treatment for Narcissists. It's PERMANENT PATHOLOGY. Get away as soon as you can. No bona fide psychiatric association, psychiatrist, psychologist or anyone with appropriate credentials will tell you Narcissism can be cures in ANY WAY. Beware snake oil salesmen. Answer "Asked if he thinks there will ever be a cure for psychopathy or narcissism -- a drug, an operation -- Dr. Hare steps back and examines the question. "The pathological will say 'A cure for what?' I don't feel comfortable calling it a disease. Much of their behaviour, even the neurobiological patterns we observe, could be because they're using different strategies to get around the world. These strategies don't have to involve faulty wiring, just different wiring." Answer On Internet message boards, people claiming involvement with narcissists ask, "Must I leave him?" Whenever I hear this question, I get two ambivalent urges at once. One is to reply, "Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!" And the other is to reply, "What the heck kind of question is that?" Notice that the grown children of narcissists don't ask it. The mates of narcissists do. Typically, when adults realize that a parent who troubles them is a malignant narcissist, they react to discovering that the relationship never was a mutual symbiosis, but rather a parasitic one in disguise. Their words convey a deep sense of betrayal. And relief - in the knowledge that it wasn't their fault, that something is wrong with their parent, not them. In their words it goes without saying that they will break this hostile and predatory relationship that is so hurtful and harmful to them. So, what's with the mates of narcissists? Often the thrust of their reaction is complaint about how wronged they are. Then they ask, "Must I leave him?" To some extent, this difference is to be expected, because the relationship between parent and child is different than the relationship between lovers. And it is much older - a lifelong, virtually unbreakable relationship of blood, not a mere recent contract like marriage. We can expect the children of narcissists to take some things for granted about them that the mates of narcissists find hard to accept. Yet, there is the same abysmal betrayal in both experiences. And the same liberating justification. So, why do the reactions of many mates seem so peculiar to the children? Why do they often lack reaction to that betrayal and liberation? ANSWER 1. some are numb and have not yet realized their parent was N (remember Ns raise their children to tolerate and accept their behaviors as NORMAL) 2. MANY have instituted no contact All the ones I have encountered on ACON message boards are filled with RAGE! They react and BIG TIME. But to compare leaving a partner to a CHILD leaving a Parent is apples & oranges. To say they lack reaction is a complete misstatement. The rage of most ACONS is great, even after the N parent dies. ANSWER Many belive that the only treatment for narcissism is rejection of the narcissists. What they don't realize is that narcissists come in a variety. Their isn't just an extreme. Many have a minor case and don't just use their spouse or children. Alot of the time they really do care for their loved ones. Don't abandon them. They need support.
Asked in Narcissism, Emotions
Do narcissists cry when they have been emotionally hurt?
Yes. Great big crocodile tears. If you know anything about crocodile tears, you'll run quickly in the other direction. ------- If a narcissist is decompensated, usually after you break up with them (not the other way around) or they have lost a significant source of secondary narcissistic supply, then the facade can come tumbling down, and what is left is the despondent, depressed child that put up the narcissistic self so long ago. Then, they can shed very real tears, and they can be very forthcoming about "the facade" and how deep down they just want to be loved. But before you can bat an eyelash--usually a day or more, depending on how severe the narcissistic injury--the false self is reconstructed and the tears are gone, only now the narcissist will violently devalue you because you know what they are...
What should you do if you are married to a narcissist and you want to preserve the marriage?
I want to stay married to my narcissist and have gone through many leaps and bounds to improve the communication between us. However I find it extremely difficult to keep up with it and not let it get to me emotionally. It's exhausting to stay on top of a narcissist emotions and not end up feeling deflated. Not only am I trying to stay on top of it for myself but I have children that I have to protect and I'm very sad to see that he's rubbing off on them and feel that they will carry narcissistic traits as well. I'm completely exhausted and fear that once my children have grown and heaven forbid they treat their future spouses they way I've been treated. I fear I will have no interest or want to stay with him. Why wait until it's damaged everyone to just have it all end eventually. Under the same breath... I'm extremely scared to leave my N husband. There has never been physical abuse but I can't even imagine the mental abuse I will endure if I leave him. My Question is... How do you get a N to know they are an N and seek help for their disorde You WONT they will not ADMIT there at fault they will say its YOU.....RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN away from him get a life......you only have ONE life and you deserve better he will grind you down untuil you have no life left in you sorry but this is the truth ive ben there got the t/shirt/video /DVD and its an AWFUL LIFE. I have to believe there is someway to get them to see it. I've have dealt with this for 19 years and I have to say I've been there, done that and got the t/shirt/video/DVD and all that too. It's been a constant struggle. I don't believe there to be a better answer out there if I leave him. My children will suffer regardless if he is rubbing off. Again the repercussions of me leaving him would be much more damaging then staying. It has become an art to keep him where I have him. If I leave - what he is capable of unleashing is too scary to consider. I'm just tired and need motivation and hope.
Asked in Narcissism, Medical Terminology
What is the definition of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Narcissistic Personality Disorder Pathological narcissism is a life-long pattern of traits and behaviours which signify infatuation and obsession with one's self to the exclusion of all others and the egotistic and ruthless pursuit of one's gratification, dominance and ambition. As distinct from healthy narcissism which we all possess, pathological narcissism is maladaptive, rigid, persisting, and causes significant distress, and functional impairment. Pathological narcissism was first described in detail by Freud in his essay "On Narcissism" (1915). Other major contributors to the study of narcissism are: Melanie Klein, Karen Horney, Franz Kohut, Otto Kernberg, Theodore Millon, Elsa Roningstam, Gunderson, and Robert Hare. What is Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)? The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) (formerly known as megalomania or, colloquially, as egotism) is a form of pathological narcissism. It is a Cluster B (dramatic, emotional, or erratic) personality disorder. Other Cluster B personality disorders are the Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), the Antisocial Personality Disorder (APD), and the Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD). The Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) first appeared as a mental health diagnosis in the DSM III-TR (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual) in 1980. Diagnostic Criteria The ICD-10, the International Classification of Diseases, published by the World Health Organisation in Geneva  regards the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "a personality disorder that fits none of the specific rubrics". It relegates it to the category "Other Specific Personality Disorders" together with the eccentric, "haltlose", immature, passive-aggressive, and psychoneurotic personality disorders and types. The American Psychiatric Association, based in Washington D.C., USA, publishes the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fourth edition, Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR)  where it provides the diagnostic criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (301.81, p. 717). The DSM-IV-TR defines Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) as "an all-pervasive pattern of grandiosity (in fantasy or behaviour), need for admiration or adulation and lack of empathy, usually beginning by early adulthood and present in various contexts", such as family life and work. The DSM specifies nine diagnostic criteria. Five (or more) of these criteria must be met for a diagnosis of Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to be rendered. [In the text below, I have proposed modifications to the language of these criteria to incorporate current knowledge about this disorder. My modifications appear in bold italics.] [My amendments do not constitute a part of the text of the DSM-IV-TR, nor is the American Psychiatric Association (APA) associated with them in any way.] Proposed Amended Criteria for the Narcissistic Personality Disorder Feels grandiose and self-important (e.g., exaggerates accomplishments, talents, skills, contacts, and personality traits to the point of lying, demands to be recognised as superior without commensurate achievements); Is obsessed with fantasies of unlimited success, fame, fearsome power or omnipotence, unequalled brilliance (the cerebral narcissist), bodily beauty or sexual performance (the somatic narcissist), or ideal, everlasting, all-conquering love or passion; Firmly convinced that he or she is unique and, being special, can only be understood by, should only be treated by, or associate with, other special or unique, or high-status people (or institutions); Requires excessive admiration, adulation, attention and affirmation - or, failing that, wishes to be feared and to be notorious (Narcissistic Supply); Feels entitled. Demands automatic and full compliance with his or her unreasonable expectations for special and favourable priority treatment; Is "interpersonally exploitative", i.e., uses others to achieve his or her own ends; Devoid of empathy. Is unable or unwilling to identify with, acknowledge, or accept the feelings, needs, preferences, priorities, and choices of others; Constantly envious of others and seeks to hurt or destroy the objects of his or her frustration. Suffers from persecutory (paranoid) delusions as he or she believes that they feel the same about him or her and are likely to act similarly; Behaves arrogantly and haughtily. Feels superior, omnipotent, omniscient, invincible, immune, "above the law", and omnipresent (magical thinking). Rages when frustrated, contradicted, or confronted by people he or she considers inferior to him or her and unworthy. Prevalence and Age and Gender Features According to the DSM IV-TR, between 2% and 16% of the population in clinical settings (between 0.5-1% of the general population) are diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). Most narcissists (50-75%, according to the DSM-IV-TR) are men. We must carefully distinguish between the narcissistic traits of adolescents - narcissism is an integral part of their healthy personal development - and the full-fledge disorder. Adolescence is about self-definition, differentiation, separation from one's parents, and individuation. These inevitably involve narcissistic assertiveness which is not to be conflated or confused with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). "The lifetime prevalence rate of NPD is approximately 0.5-1 percent; however, the estimated prevalence in clinical settings is approximately 2-16 percent. Almost 75 percent of individuals diagnosed with NPD are male (APA, DSM IV-TR 2000)." From the Abstract of Psychotherapeutic Assessment and Treatment of Narcissistic Personality Disorder By Robert C. Schwartz,Ph.D., DAPA and Shannon D. Smith, Ph.D., DAPA (American Psychotherapy Association, Article #3004 Annals July/August 2002) Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is exacerbated by the onset of aging and the physical, mental, and occupational restrictions it imposes. In certain situations, such as under constant public scrutiny and exposure, a transient and reactive form of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) has been observed by Robert Milman and labelled "Acquired Situational Narcissism". There is only scant research regarding the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), but studies have not demonstrated any ethnic, social, cultural, economic, genetic, or professional predilection to it. Comorbidity and Differential Diagnoses Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is often diagnosed with other mental health disorders ("co-morbidity"), such as mood disorders, eating disorders, and substance-related disorders. Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are frequently abusive and prone to impulsive and reckless behaviours ("dual diagnosis").Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is commonly diagnosed with other personality disorders, such as the Histrionic, Borderline, Paranoid, and Antisocial Personality Disorders. The personal style of those suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) should be distinguished from the personal styles of patients with other Cluster B Personality Disorders. The narcissist is grandiose, the histrionic coquettish, the antisocial (psychopath) callous, and the borderline needy. As opposed to patients with the Borderline Personality Disorder, the self-image of the narcissist is stable, he or she are less impulsive and less self-defeating or self-destructive and less concerned with abandonment issues (not as clinging). Contrary to the histrionic patient, the narcissist is achievements-orientated and proud of his or her possessions and accomplishments. Narcissists also rarely display their emotions as histrionics do and they hold the sensitivities and needs of others in contempt. According to the DSM-IV-TR, both narcissists and psychopaths are "tough-minded, glib, superficial, exploitative, and unempathic". But narcissists are less impulsive, less aggressive, and less deceitful. Psychopaths rarely seek narcissistic supply. As opposed to psychopaths, few narcissists are criminals. Patients suffering from the range of obsessive-compulsive disorders are committed to perfection and believe that only they are capable of attaining it. But, as opposed to narcissists, they are self-critical and far more aware of their own deficiencies, flaws, and shortcomings. Clinical Features of the Narcissistic Personality Disorder The onset of pathological narcissism is in infancy, childhood and early adolescence. It is commonly attributed to childhood abuse and trauma inflicted by parents, authority figures, or even peers. Pathological narcissism is a defense mechanism intended to deflect hurt and trauma from the victim's "True Self" into a "False Self" which is omnipotent, invulnerable, and omniscient. The narcissist uses the False Self to regulate his or her labile sense of self-worth by extracting from his environment narcissistic supply (any form of attention, both positive and negative).There is a whole range of narcissistic reactions, styles, and personalities - from the mild, reactive and transient to the permanent personality disorder. Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) feel injured, humiliated and empty when criticized. They often react with disdain (devaluation), rage, and defiance to any slight, real or imagined. To avoid such situations, some patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) socially withdraw and feign false modesty and humility to mask their underlying grandiosity. Dysthymic and depressive disorders are common reactions to isolation and feelings of shame and inadequacy. The interpersonal relationships of patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are typically impaired due to their lack of empathy, disregard for others, exploitativeness, sense of entitlement, and constant need for attention (narcissistic supply). Though often ambitious and capable, inability to tolerate setbacks, disagreement, and criticism make it difficult for patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) to work in a team or to maintain long-term professional achievements. The narcissist's fantastic grandiosity, frequently coupled with a hypomanic mood, is typically incommensurate with his or her real accomplishments (the "grandiosity gap"). Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are either "cerebral" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their intelligence or academic achievements) or "somatic" (derive their Narcissistic Supply from their physique, exercise, physical or sexual prowess and romantic or physical "conquests"). Patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) are either "classic" (meet five of the nine diagnostic criteria included in the DSM), or they are "compensatory" (their narcissism compensates for deep-set feelings of inferiority and lack of self-worth). Some narcissists are covert, or inverted narcissists. As codependents, they derive their narcissistic supply from their relationships with classic narcissists. Based on a survey of 1201 therapists and psychologists in clinical practice, Prof. Drew Westen of Emory University postulated the existence of three subtypes of narcissists: 1. High functioning or Exhibitionist: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, but is also articulate, energetic, outgoing, and achievement oriented." (The equivalent of the Cerebral narcissist). 2. Fragile: "(W)ants to feel important and privileged to ward off painful feelings of inadequacy and loneliness" (The equivalent of the Compensatory narcissist). 3. Grandiose or Malignant: "(H)as an exaggerated sense of self-importance, feels privileged, exploits others, and lusts after power." (The equivalent of the Classic narcissist). Treatment and Prognosis The common treatment for patients with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is talk therapy (mainly psychodynamic psychotherapy or cognitive-behavioral treatment modalities). Talk therapy is used to modify the narcissist's antisocial, interpersonally exploitative, and dysfunctional behaviors, often with some success. Medication is prescribed to control and ameliorate attendant conditions such as mood disorders or obsessive-compulsive disorders. The prognosis for an adult suffering from the Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) is poor, though his adaptation to life and to others can improve with treatment. Bibliography Goldman, Howard H., Review of General Psychiatry, fourth edition, 1995. Prentice-Hall International, London. Gelder, Michael, Gath, Dennis, Mayou, Richard, Cowen, Philip (eds.), Oxford Textbook of Psychiatry, third edition, 1996, reprinted 2000. Oxford University Press, Oxford. Vaknin, Sam, Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited, eighth revised impression, 1999-2006. Narcissus Publications, Prague and Skopje. Westen, Drew et al. Refining the Construct of Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Diagnostic Criteria and Subtypes (Posted at http://ajp.psychiatryonline.org/pap.dtl ) Here are more opinions from other FAQ Farmers: ...characterized by a rigid, unremitting conviction of personal entitlement which drives, motivates, pervades, and dominates the entire spectrum of the individual's behavior and actions. This belief assumes an imperious position that supercedes any and all sense of social/community/family/professional association and responsibility. The individual conceptualizes and interprets rules, laws, codes, mores, and values exclusively in terms of a privately/secretly held idea of self-justification and vindication that serves to reinforce and strengthen his/her distorted and contaminated projections, images, fantasies, dogmas, doctrines and practices.
Asked in Parenting and Children, Narcissism
How do a narcissist and his mother interact?
The study of narcissism is a century old and the two scholarly debates central to its conception are still undecided. Is there such a thing as HEALTHY adult narcissism (Kohut) - or are all the manifestations of narcissism in adulthood pathological (Freud, Kernberg)? Moreover, is pathological narcissism the outcome of verbal, sexual, physical, or psychological abuse (the overwhelming view) - or, on the contrary, the sad result of spoiling the child and idolizing it (Millon, the late Freud)? The second debate is easier to resolve if one agrees to adopt a more comprehensive definition of "abuse". Overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child - are all forms of parental abuse. This is because, as Horney pointed out, the child is dehumanized and instrumentalized. His parents love him not for what he really is - but for what they wish and imagine him to be: the fulfillment of their dreams and frustrated wishes. The child becomes the vessel of his parents' discontented lives, a tool, the magic brush with which they can transform their failures into successes, their humiliation into victory, their frustrations into happiness. The child is taught to ignore reality and to occupy the parental fantastic space. Such an unfortunate child feels omnipotent and omniscient, perfect and brilliant, worthy of adoration and entitled to special treatment. The faculties that are honed by constantly brushing against bruising reality - empathy, compassion, a realistic assessment of one's abilities and limitations, realistic expectations of oneself and of others, personal boundaries, team work, social skills, perseverance and goal-orientation, not to mention the ability to postpone gratification and to work hard to achieve it - are all lacking or missing altogether. The child turned adult sees no reason to invest in his skills and education, convinced that his inherent genius should suffice. He feels entitled for merely being, rather than for actually doing (rather as the nobility in days gone by felt entitled not by virtue of its merit but as the inevitable, foreordained outcome of its birth right). In other words, he is not meritocratic - but aristocratic. In short: a narcissist is born. Personal Experiences: My N's mother died recently but before that his feelings toward her were predominately of fear and loathing. I could never find out exactly why he hated her only that she was "cold" to him as a child. Nevertheless, he was always afraid to stand up to her. His method of avoidance of her was to move to another country. Oddly enough, his siblings did the same thing. My N adores his mother and feels as though she can do no wrong and made no mistakes in raising him. She treats him as though he can do no wrong. Even though he is the least successful of all of the children, she tells him that he is richer than the others in areas that most can't see. She adores him. If she says something that he disagrees with, she changes her opinion. He was born early and almost died. He is the youngest of 5 children. His older brother died in childhood and I think his mother feared losing another child, so spoiled her "baby". She did everything for him. All of his siblings also treat him this way. They will tell him whatever they think he wants to hear. I thought it was just because he was the baby, but his older sister and I were talking over Christmas and it came out that growing up he used to fly into rages over the littlest things. His family hates conflict, so I think they appease him just to avoid this. I, on the other hand, never back down from a fight and will stand my ground to the death. (Can you guess I am a little stubborn, OK, not a little, VERY stubborn. I have to be to survive this relationship in tact.) Sounds very familiar to the sick family I got married to. My husband was raised in the creepiest family dynamic. Everyone kept secrets from each other to protect their feelings. He was the golden child, the perfect or near perfect one. She boasted of everything he was and his potential. They both fed each other narcissistic fuels. I was out of the equation if they were together, but was only an object for both of them if i served a purpose. You couldn't talk to him you couldn't be you, anything different from him is abnormal b/c he is perfect and that causes conflict, chaos and silent treatments that he calls "peacemaking" I am is rival mate and his mother pretends she doesn't understand what can be happening since his son is perfect.. so it HAS to be my fault. I am the only to blame for his needs of taking medications to deal with daily life stressors that 95% of population deals with perfectly normal, BUT NOT HIM.. b/c he wants to live in a bubble pain fre, stress free, no traffic, no stupid people around him. No one should have needs that would inconvenience him. Its all about him, it has always been all about him grown up and he likes it a lot. Relationships reflect his mirror of what he thinks he wants.. but them he will dislike you with passion b/c you are NOT HIM.. which means you better die or get out of his face & life. I recently realized my son is a narcissist. I don't know how much of it is inherited or learned, but he definitely exhibits the same traits as his father (who died some years ago from alcoholism). My son has always been oppositional to anything I say. He acts as if he is the most unique person and far above anyone else that he knows. His life is a shambles financially, socially, and with regard to his jobs as well. He doesn't pay bills and is getting further into debt. He has troubles with relationships with girlfriends. Yet he acts as if he is doing everything right! I am, of course, responsible for everything that has ever gone wrong in his life. Even if his father were to blame for any of it, I am the one that married him. I am nothing more than a target for his anger. He is 19 and still argues everything I say no matter how reasonable I am. (As a child, he often argued that doing homework was not good for him! He was different and so smart he shouldn't have to do anything.) I have never experienced from anyone else the kind of convoluted logic that both he and his father could dish out. Anyway he now feels that I owe it to him to take care of him because I am the one that gave him an alcoholic father. My friend whom I believe is an N seems to hold his mother in utter contempt. Only rarely does he say anything positive about her. He says he loves her only because she is his mother. According to him she was very negative to all of her siblings and expected them to be nothing less than perfect. He is middle aged and never married. He will only say that she was never nurturing and very negative toward him as a child. He is a very tormented person. He related that she tried to explain things to him later in life (sounds as if she was narcissistic) explaining hersef, however, he refuses to forgive her. He is a very angry person. My N and his mother were very close. She was proud of him, but why I'm not sure. Then again she really didn't know how he was, and he could do no wrong much of the time. She would have done anything for him, and he would always say they were very close. It seemed like the one fault free relationship in his life. My N rarely would speak kindly directly to his mother, even in the presence of myself or his father. I learned that she attempted throughout his life to make up for the abuse she allowed his father to commit against him, by paying his bills, slipping him secret money. The N is a total failure as far as his finances go. Since the death of his father, the N has been getting "closer" to his mother, aka manipulating her to get anything he wants that his father would have put the brakes on before. She is a source of supply that he takes off the shelf when he needs it or sees a windfall from her. She continues to aid him in being a "Baby Man" who is a wastrel. She is loathsome I believe to him but he can smile cunningly all the way to the bank. From what little my husband has told me of his mother, I believe he is torn between hating her and loving her still. She was a blonde and pretty 15 year old when she became pregnant. His biological father left when my husband was only three years old. His mother remarried a few years later and had three more children with her new husband. His stepfather, who refused to adopt him or give him "his" name was a emotionally cold, brutal ex-military man. David's step-father punished him "harshly" for even the smallest mistake. Rarely, if ever did his mother intervene and protect her first born from this brute. My husband left home when he turned 18. He no longer keeps in touch with his parents or two siblings. Sadly, I've come to realize that my husband, a cerebral narcissist, is incapable of any real emotional or physical intimacy. In our case, the son and mother feed off of each. They literally give each other supply they need to survive. The son is taken care of in all ways and is permitted at the tender of age of 29 to continue behaving in whatever manner that suits him. The mother in turn receives her supply from the son. All he has to do is say what she wants to hear. One example is that mother and son teamed up to attack my daughter verbally the first opportunity they got her alone. The mother delivered a verbal attack that would have sent any normal person off crying. The son stood by throwing his two cents in as well. The mother proclaimed to my daughter "none of this would be a problem if YOU had kept YOUR legs shut in the first place." His mother made it clear her son had no responsibility whatsoever in anything he does. My daughter's response "Well, since I got myself pregnant, I guess we have no further business to talk about do we?" This made the mother more angry and she heightened her attack. The mother stated that all of it was my daughter's fault, her son was a perfect father, etc. His mother actually wanted my daughter to take claim to all of her son's problems. It was when my daughter looked at his mother and said "you need that go to gal to put all the blame on for what he is, I suggest you go inside, look into a mirror and you'll have the person responsible for what he is." With that his mother walked away speechless. This also calmed him down. Within the week the son called to apologize for the behavior of himself and his mother. He said his mom was in a bad mood and he couldn't control what she does. He said he was sorry for their behavior, they were out of line, and wanted to make things right. What he didn't tell my daughter was that before he made this call to her to apologize, he had filed numerous papers in court including a review of child support to get a reduction. In all of my readings, this exact behavior is demonstrated and common among N's. Talking worthless talk, while undertaking hateful actions. In our case, it truly is the blind leading the blind. While both have a great need to get their supply from each other, they each also have very different agendas that serves their own needs. So while they work together, they also are each other's worse enemy. If you must deal with N and Mommie Nist, remember to document everything, and use the truth in all your dealings. We also found it most helpful to further confuse them both by maintaining the same, consistent behavior we have always used with them. They literally expected some form of rebuttal after the confrontation, but that didn't happen and they both went away confused, not understanding why, and they literally looked disappointed. As if their grand plan to prove something had backfired. This is by far the worse family I have ever had to have personal contact with. Protect your family against them as best you can. They honestly only care about what's in it for them. Good luck. My sister is a narcissist. All she had to do was wail as loud as she could, and my parents gave her what ever she wanted just to shut her up. I noticed that she still cried like a baby when she was 12 years old. Not tears so much as loud, screaming voice. Her mouth was open as wide as she could, like a baby bird. She also lied, and got away with it. She tattled on me, my parents chose to believe her over me, so they reinforced her lying habit. Early on, she was the good child and I was the bad child. (I come from a family of splitters, where people are saints or devils, but no in between, it drives me nuts). When she turned into an adult, she either tried to or succeeded in driving the rest of us kids out. Told us we should be ashamed as adults to live at home and reminded us as we approached 14, 15, 16, 17 and 18 on a daily basis that we should have jobs and living on our own. She didn't work and lived at home for a long time. She took over the house and my parents by the time she was 14. She told the rest of us what to wear, what to eat and started accusing us of things we did not do, then proceeded to punish us with her rage attacks. My parents let her and watched. She made their job easier. Everyday when I was 14, this is what I heard. "you'll be 16 soon and should look for a job." Day after day after day. I felt like I got robbed of being 14 and 15 due to all the daily pressuring of her to make me grow up faster so she can get rid of me. I had a job as a teenager, but not because of her. She tried to get our father to take my paychecks away from me. She didn't work, but she wanted a car but didn't have the money for it. Instead of admitting her selfish goals, she hid them behind, "this is a family project so everyone has to contribute." She wanted a car to "relieve the burden off of mother from driving us kids everywhere." I worked, and I had a car payment. She didn't work but wanted to use my money for her to get her own car, "for mom's sake." I saw it for what it was. Years later, she still tries to do "family projects" but her and my parents are the ones always benefitting, and everyone else always has to pay. She uses all our money to buy something for our parents, then tells my parents "I did this for you. Here's my gift mom and dad." (not we, but "I"). I pretty much felt like their ATM. I tested my boundaries as an adult and said "no". She begged me, guilt-tripped me, accused me of being selfish. Her definition of selfish refers to non-givers. She apparently doesn't consider takers infected with entitlement as being selfish. She is like a communist dictator. She reminds me of Hitler. Aren't they usually the first child or the last child. They are the special ones, and all the middle children are lumped together as a group. Do you remember that rattle they bought you when you were 1 years old? It has strings attached. You now owe them back. They don't ask you how you feel, they tell you how you feel. They just CAN"T RELATE, CAN"T hear you. Child-- "I got chosen for a project." N-mom-- "I bet that made you feel so special." Child-- "actually, it's a lot of hard work and nobody else wanted to do it. I'm dreading it." N-mom-- "I am so proud of you." Child-- "This isn't an award, mom, this is the grunge work nobody else wanted." N-mom-- "they picked you because they trusted you. Do you know what the weather is supposed to be like tomorrow?" Child-- "no, they picked me because I was the only one who had an open sched/" N-mom-- "It looks stormy." Child-- (sigh!) N-mom-- "oh honey what's wrong?" Child-- "nothing. just have a lot of work cut out for me now." N-mom-- "What do you mean? what work?" Child-- "the project" N-mom-- "what project?" Child-- "MOM! I already told you." N-mom-- "Don't you yell at me. I didn't do anything wrong. You didn't tell me about a project. I am tired of your lies." The N I was involved with never mentioned his mother unless I asked and I never got a real answer. Once after he had had a lot to drink we got onto the mother topic and he confessed his mother was just his mother...she had no real significance except that of running a matriarchal household. Dad was a quiet guy who lived according to mum's rules wishes. When he was going overseas to see them he said, "I suppose I should give mum a hug when I see her". That summed it up for me. I just informed my N husband's mother about some of his risk-taking behavior. She defended, denied and blamed others. And congratulated herself on the enabling behavior that helps keep my husband believing that his unacceptable behavior is normal. His value in his parents' eyes is based on his achievements, (their bragging rights), and any misconduct is explained away or ignored. He is the result of "overweening, smothering, spoiling, overvaluing, and idolizing the child". Every time he has some insight, (I have no idea why I would sabotage our marriage/my career/our security by doing this...), his mother an father are quick to blame someone else. Hence, drinking to excess and ateempting to seduce a junior, much younger woman on a business trip and being so hung-over that his almost missed his meeting is explained by his father as "an error in judgment, used by militant lesbians at work to undermine him politically" and an offer to pay our bills should he be fired for misconduct. Their need for him to be perfect and blameless is pathological. And if he stops believing them, then he who is he? His mom is an Adult Child of an Alcoholic. (Dad just liked to drink, but everyone loved him. It was all mom's fault.) I think her need for everything to be "perfect" and her own husband being quite insecure/N, has created a situation where you never feel valued for who you are, because her interactive style is so based in fantasy-land. She actually praises her adult son for getting dressed in the morning. The cause is the mother's developmental relationship with her son. She is first imtimate female he learns from. If she is not nurturing and loving, he has no role model. he learns how to self-love. there is no mirroring here so the only reflection he can copy is his own. The parent is to blame for the son's lack of trust which is at the root of the dysfunction: conscious awareness or not, all women are the same; they are not to be trusted, so have your way with them. mother was utilitarian with me so that must be love. if you never had an orgasm, you fake it until you do, right? the same with love....it takes a very special strong woman with strength to endure and teach a man how to love who never learned as a child. it she can handle the stress and frustration of the abuse, then eventually, an intelligent man gets it...but is it worth it? it could take years to learn how to love another person. Annie Sullivan took the abuse from Helen Keller, but in the end she taught her to behave humanely and to speak. she almost gave up many times. it takes a very special person to reach an unreachable star. my narc and his mother seem to get on very well and are very close, he wouldn't have anything said against her.although he does say some bad things about her himself, on the whole its usually good. he is the youngest and still lives at home most of the time even though he is mid 30`s. i have noticed that he speaks to her terribly, expecting her to wait on him hand and foot, he tells her what to buy, what and when to cook,when she can go on holiday, in fact controls everything she does. if she disagrees with him he is very moody and she will change her opinion to agree with what ever he says. she doesn't know anything about npd but has spoken to me often over her concerns about him. i have touched on the subject with her but she just tells him what i say and it makes problems for myself so I've given up now! I think some answers here misunderstand what a narcissist is. As the son of a covert narcissist mother, I have done enough reading to see that a narcissist can never really change, they are always right and 'gaslight' away merrily when they are held accountable for their destructive patterns.My sister and I are very close to our father, and for his sake we keep in good contact with our parents but keep our mother at emotional arms-length. In order to keep my life and my family sane I have had to, in many ways, mourn the passing of the mother I never really had. Whilst she's still alive. She really was unfit to be a mother, her aggressive and mean-spirited neediness has interfered with our lives fairly profoundly and placed strain on our own relationships... It took years away from home for my sister and I to both to finally admit to each other it was all wrong, and right from the start. I have seen a few answers above that imply that someone being aloof or indifferent about their N-mother seems narcissistic, but you might want to consider that emotional distance from an N is probably the only way of coping with them short of cutting ALL contact with them, and forever. I cannot state to you enough the sheer emotional turmoil a covert- N mother will put you through from age zero, and I will do anything I can to protect myself from that poison, especially now I have a small family. 33 years later I just can't find it in me to care about a person who never really cared for me. Am I a narcissist, or am I just protecting myself and my family?
Asked in Custody, Child Support, Narcissism
How dangerous is a narcissistic parent with joint custody?
If he is a true narcissist he hates children. The risk of abuse - physical, psychological, and even sexual - is considerable. My book: "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited" (c) 2003 Lidija Rangelovska Narcissus Publications I think if the narcissist is the kind who receives narcissistic supply by basking in the glow of others, for instance his children, he can be okay as a parent provided the children are beautiful, high-achieving or posses attributes that the narcissist perceives as a positive reflection on him. A potential problem arises in adolescence, however, when children seek to differentiate themselves from their parents and are rejecting of their parents. At this point, I think the narcissist is likely to de-throne i.e. stop idealizing the child, and start devaluing the child. Best not to have children with them. I have 5 children, 3 of whom are my dh's. I had to send my oldest to live with his father when he hit adolesence for his own protection. He comes to live with me on holidays and weekends. The only way to keep my dh from harming him, physically, psychologically, etc, is to threaten him. I have told him that if he ever touches him, I will call the police and have him thrown in jail in a heartbeat. He is scared to be exposed and for all to know that he is less than perfect, so this works. I also threatened this after he hit me once 4 yr ago when I was pregnant with baby #4. He has not hit me since, although he threatens to and tells me I should be hit to teach me to control myself. He thinks that spanking is the only form of discipline. One of the reasons why I don't leave him is because if he is alone with them, joint custody, I cannot protect them. With us living together, I can counter the harm he causes. A part of me hopes that he will do something that will cause me to be able to get full custody of the kids when I leave so that I don't have to leave them alone with him. In short, a narcissist having custody of a child for half the time would be a bad idea. Keep a log and record conversations so that you have evidence when the time comes. Whoever you are - please do not stay in the marriage thinking that you are protecting or diluting the harm done by dh. I am separated from my husband (NPD) in April shortly after finding him in bed with another woman (who had had an abortion just 7 days earlier - someone else's). Your children will be better off without that influence...you are only one person and unfortunantely your children learn more by example and what you are teaching them is that it is okay to put up with it. Not to mention the example you are showing of unnecessary self sacrifice and lack of self respect by tolerating that sort of environment. Believe me, God will protect you and provide for you. My mother made the same mistake and thought she was protecting us from my abusive NPD father's tactics...but I wound up marrying one...though not physically abusive. The damage is psychological and will affect there core self-esteem and abilities to make sound decisions and choices when it comes to people. They will expose all the nasty bits about the spouse to the kids. That spouse in return is doing the same thing because he/she has just left the nastiest person they have ever known and can't help but expose them. My narcissist's spouse can be quite 'off' with the kids because they defend their dad to the hilt. This is because he has worked on them in his narcissist way. If you give in to the N they will take an arm and a leg too, with as much concern as you have about rendering a turkey carcass into soup. I left my N 12 years ago, had no problem getting sole custody after his behaviour. I have tried to be a good person throughout, lots of access and involvement, not harping on about the unpaid child support. Not knowing that I was dealing with a mentally unhealthy person, I thought, well at least he's not alcoholic. And when you think everything is peachy-keen and everyone's moved on, you discover that this person has been a busy busy bee, working away behind your back... It has taken me a year of fighting to get any say in my son's life again. His dad made a complaint that we were physically abusing my son and transferred him to another school and then they told me it was my son's decision and I should go along with it. Then things began to descend into madness. Calls from social services, calls from the RCMP, death threats from my son; my 12 year-old offering to sue me for his Gamecube and then I find out that this man pulled his kid out of school and then lied - to his own kid, telling him he had been kicked out!....separated my 12 year old boy from friends, family and peers, away from all sports or social activity, rotting in a one bedroom apartment... and then I went through a lunatic merry-go-round trying to involve the school, social services, the police, anyone to look at the situation. This with full custody, SOLE guardianship, 2 police enforcement orders and a deadbeat dad with no formal education. I have had to explain countless times that I can't go to court for visitation rights! I have custody! Finally, now that my kid is in psychiatric care and the hospital brought in a team of lawyers, now that I have taken this the whole way to our MLA (member of legislature) and put social services on the line for their past mistakes, now I am finally getting some recognition as the parent willing and able to act in my son's best interests. It has been a long road. Never leave yourself open with narcissists; they are deviant way beyond anything a normal thought process can anticipate and they will NOT change unless maybe with years of therapy. Your child doesn't have years. The narcissistic parent (NP) will generally badmouth the other parent, and will try to turn the children against them. My father almost succeeded with my younger brother, but fortunately, my mother, siblings, and I were able to help him. The NP will also badmouth the siblings who don't buy into his false presentation. Common phrases used are "don't tell your mother, but..." or "don't tell your sister/brother, but..." or "don't tell ______that I said this, but he/she is ______." The best course of action (speaking from experience) is to minimize contact and explain to your children what narcissism is.
Asked in Relationships, Narcissism, Breakups
How do you make sure a relationship with a narcissist is over?
You are not safe with a narcissist, so you need to make sure it is over. The longer you stay, the more likely your children will show the same behavior in their relationships. Going from verbal to physical abuse can be a close thing. You need a team to support you as you make the move; the most dangerous period is while you are planning to do this. Mind you, you may have to move to another city or state to escape. Healing the relationship is difficult to impossible until the person gets real and has practice behaving. You cannot fix the person. For one thing, an abused person just does not have the expertise and emotional boundaries to make a difference. Also, It is very common for them to revert to bad habits upon returning to the person they abused in the past--even if a few years have passed and their behavior has been consistent. A good book to understand the issue is The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It does have some hints to help; but you do need to be very honest about the depth of your issue. You also have to realize that you are not to blame in any way. Based on the guide "Back from the Looking Glass" Living with the personality disorder that causes abuse. I think that the advice to leave and have no contact is dangerous. This is a very good way to provoke someone to violence. If they have a home and children with you they will feel that they have nothing left to lose and as narcissistic people do tend to blow things out of proportion and have tantrums this can be very dangerous. I knew a woman who was murdered by her husband in front of her small children after leaving him and refusing contact. If you want to heal your relationship our guide will help you to do that and we know many people who have had success with this. If you want to leave and never see the person who you believe is narcissistic and keep yourself safe and get closure well then I suggest that you do this; Be very clingy and needy and agree with everything they say while being very boring and make sure that you give them no time to them self or space, keep apologising a lot for everything, and act very fake. After about a week or two of this they will decide to leave. Let them think it is their idea, act sad about it but don't fight them. After that (and you can do this while you are getting them to decide to leave too) complain a lot whenever you talk to them, tell them that you are sick and that the kids need braces and that the house has termites. They will quickly lose interest in you and then you are free. This way you will know that it is over, especially when you see them with someone else. Based on the book "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited": "If the narcissist has the power to provoke emotions in you ? you are still a Source of Supply to him ... If you are an old Source of Narcissistic Supply, first, get over the excitement of seeing him again. ... Then, simply ignore him. Don't bother to respond in any way to his offer to get together. If he talks to you ? keep quiet, don't answer. If he calls you ? listen politely and then say goodbye and hang up. Indifference is what the narcissist cannot stand. It indicates a lack of attention and interest that constitutes the kernel of negative NS." Here is more input: No one is just a narcissist -- that N guy in your life is or was a person you cared about -- I think its best to admit that however difficult that might be -- you really loved someone, for a reason, you saw them as loveable and they were loveable, but they were human, imperfect and hurt you...maybe you invited the hurt in some way or let them hurt you, played the victim...sometimes we unconsciously arrange things so that we fail in our intimate relationships--because a relationship is work, thinking about someone else not ourselves--we want the good things the easy things about a relationship but when it becomes a challenge--of course, for some of us, maybe we cant live in anothers shadow, maybe we have to be ourselves, maybe we need a kind of solitariness--the problem with a romance sometimes I think is that we are swallowed up in it--I was swallowed up by someone for years, was ecstatic with him for years, but we were/are constantly in and out of it because you really cant live like that--I think that I was in love with love, still am, i think a lot of people look for romantic love--for the high--but then you have to work out the details and the devil is in the details. Tell them to "Grow Up" rather sternly! Then,walk out and don't look back. When you remove them completely from your life. No calls, no emails, absolutely no contact. Narcissists appear tough to the victim, but threaten them with someone else who might harm that physical beauty or ego and they just might move on to another conquest. You have the power to lock them out of your life. Do it. Ignore him completely. He will not bring any good into your life. All these types want is to destroy you. They are very calculating and will settle for nothing other than to see you with no integrity and self esteem. Do you want him back? If you are considering getting back with him just remember he will lead you down the same dead end roads. That's all they do. Narcissists do not have relationships or experience other people the same way that non-narcissists do. While it may be difficult for some to overcome the need to make excuses for the N. ("he's only human, just like you...") or to idealize the interaction ("you loved him, he loved you..."), the fact remains that the N. did not experience you or anyone else as a human being. To an N., other people exist only as objects that either can provide narcissistic supply or not; if not, they move on.
What factors lead someone to believe that another person has Narcissistic Personality Disorder?
Answer I am married to a man whom I was separated from for 4 years. I betrayed me with my friends and a school teacher. I lost custody of my children to him. I was happy being alone. My husband persude me the entire 4 years we were apart. While we were apart the neighbors he betrayed me with, finally realized It wasn't me It was him. They have since apoligized for everything, they told me he was a pathological liar. I mistreated the children. I am a Christian I continue to pray to God. I was God who led me to this website. I husband has every single trait of narcissism. Me and my mother-in-law have become great friends she realized all the lies he said about me were false. I told her I thought he was narcissist, I sent her the information and she agreed. I also asked her what happened in his life to make him this way. Because he treats his mom really bad. She told me that when he was born she was out in the streets partying and she never spent anytime with him. Although my husband and I are back to together I have forgiven him. I will continue to pray for him, I was stay out of his way. One day he is nice to me, the next day he is mean to me. He is self righteous. If I need to call him I can never reach him on his cell phone. Everyone thinks he is a saint. But I know him, I leave papers around the house pertaining to narcissism to let him know that I know him PS just pray for my children they have been through so much Answer I think I finally figured out that narcissist can't be pleased. They need to keep you in a one-down position so that they feel one-up and better about themselves all the time. I think it is called dichotomy or catch-22. They criticize you for doing something, then criticize you for not doing it. You realize you are in constantly put into no-win situation. They are subtle pouters and ignorers and won't say what is wrong. Occasionally, they let you know. Mine was upset when I made more money than he did, but then upset when I made less money. Upset when I cleaned house, but upset when I didn't. He is upset when I do well, and upset when I do terrible. This is how to cope. Live for yourself, and don't bother trying to please them. Do something because you want to do it. Don't expect gratitude, compliments. Secretly thank yourself and think of how your effort will pay off for you someday, even if they constantly criticize you. Their criticisms are subtle. Such as you scrub the entire floor, and they come along with a spondge and clean a spot and huff and puff, or sigh heavily. As if to say, "you missed a spot." Yet the floor was filthy the day before and you didn't see them out with the spondge or mop then. They are really good at letting you do all the work, then coming along and doing one last final touch and believe they have teamwork and did their part. If you don't stop them, they eventually start stealing credit for your work. They don't have autonomy. They delegate everything to you, then micromanage, over-shoulder comment. I felt like an object or tool and one of those clap-on-clap-off lamps. Finally, I said, "you want something done your perfectionist way, then do it yourself." Answer I dated a narcissist for 4 years. Our relationship began with him showering me with compliments, attention, small gifts and expensive dinners. He called me constantly and would not take no for an answer. His eagerness was very flattering and I am sad to say that I fell completely in love with him. Shortly after I was smitten he began belittling me, my family and my friends. I am a designer by education with a great eye for color and style and he was compelled to criticize the way I dressed, the manner in which I decorated my home and the car I drove. Two years into the relationship he broke up with me to date other women in order to satisfy his constant need for attention. It took me 5 long months to pull myself together and moved on with my life. I began dating a wonderful man and when my ex found out he pursued me without fail. Once again his persistence got to me and I eventually caved in, went back with him and broke the other man's heart. It was not long before his old patterns resurfaced. I threatened to break it off and he suggested counseling. The therapist recognized his behavior immediately. The doctor called me and gave me suggested reading about Narcisstic Personality Disorder. He hit the nail on the head. I am thankful to say that I was able to get away from him but it took me 18 months. Too many compliments...unnatural persistence...superiority complex...followed up with large doses of criticism. RUN!!!! They like the thrill of the chase but once they've caught you they will eat you alive. Answer I can relate to the post about floor mopping. The N I was with was similar...his house would always be in total disaray; I would clean it only to have him critisise me for something missed or not done to his liking. I once drove 2 hours to his home to iron for him for his overseas trip. He requested I do it. After spending all day ironing his clothes (and I hate ironing) he 'politely' told me that I had missed this or that or "You didnt do a very good job of that one darling". He then proceeded to scrunch these clothes into his dirty backpack. He liked cooking and while eating a meal he had cooked I would often hear "Mmm...very nice dont you think?". If I cooked it would be, "Not bad darling but I think you could have used...blah blah blah". He often asked me to drive if he was drunk but critised how I braked or how I approached roundabouts. He ordered me to weave in here, duck there, toot him or flash lights at her. He nearly killed us many times with him as either driver or passenger. Being with an N justifies the old adage 'Be damned if I do and damned if I dont'. Comment Narcissistic Personality Disorder can only be adequately diagnosed by a psychologist who is actively treating the person in question. There are many, many people in the world who are just jerks; they are not clinically diagnosable with NPD, and should not be thought of as such.
Asked in Narcissism
Why does the narcissist just disappear?
Because he doesn't care about you and he is off to look for his next feed of adoration. He is sick. You cant fix him. He will come back when he needs you. Think of yourself as a measuring cup. You need a measuring cup. You don't use it everyday; if it broke you would just go buy another. You wont morn the measuring cup because it is an object, has no meaning. Narcissists cant feel so when they are looking at you, using you, and utilizing you, think of the measuring cup-garden hose- vacuum....do you love them? No buit you use them. HE LOOKS AT YOU THE SAME WAY!
Asked in Narcissism
What causes extreme manipulation of others?
The most chronic emotional manipulators according to Dr. Ross Rosenberg are those with narcissistic, borderline and antisocial personality disorders and those with chemical or behavioral addictions. So while any of us can be manipulative at times, all of these often display with chronic and possibly extremely manipulative behaviors.